Our Second Miscarriage (2014)

This is the story of our second baby that we lost to miscarriage, it happened in 2014 as well. I hope this post celebrates the life, shares a bit of the love, excitement, sorrow, and finally peace we felt and that it can help someone going through similar circumstances to know they aren’t alone. (Disclaimer: this miscarriage goes into a bit more detail of what I experienced in the actual miscarriage process, I wanted to be as detailed as possible because something that really helped me at the time was a blog post in which someone shared exactly what it was like to miscarry at home at the same amount of weeks I was at and I was able to understand a bit of what would happen. I will tell when I’m about to go into detail in case anyone wants to skip over.)

This story starts a month after our first miscarriage. Somehow I knew that I would get pregnant either right away, or we would have to wait a while. As the weeks went on, I didn’t get too excited nor did I think it would definitely happen. I just patiently waited this time. It’s amazing how impatient I had been to get pregnant, I am almost embarrassed to think about my attitude in those months, like God owed me a baby for getting married and doing everything in the right order, and we had good intentions and were trying to follow God’s will. After the early miscarriage though I was learning to trust that God had a plan...not that I didn’t have bad days of course.

We went to my family's place for Easter. We arrived on good Friday and Saturday morning we had to make an errand in town, so we picked up a pregnancy test just to see. I did the peeing and to my not surpise it was positive! I was so happy. Kyle was with me and we just smiled and hugged, it was a bit different this time, more of a peaceful lets see what happens kind of thing. We told my parents right away! (last time I didn’t even get to tell them we were pregnant before we told them we miscarried) We were very happy this time!! It was exactly a month from the day of the miscarriage.

We only told family and a few close friends for quite a while, the days leading up to the same length of days that I had my previous miscarriage was stressful but then a big relief when the weeks reached 7, 8, 9, then we started to tell more friends, I started to tell the people at work. Everyone around us basically knew our happy news. 

I was feeling pregnant and had morning sickness and all that and couldn’t eat many foods I was used to eating, but I was getting by. At about 9 or 10 weeks I didn’t feel as sick anymore and thought you know, maybe I was just past that stage, I was almost to second trimester in a few weeks and I still had some sick days. I had my fist consultation with my doctor and scheduled a full first prenatal appointment, got blood work done and scheduled an ultrasound and everything. It was all so exciting!

The eleventh week rolled along and one day at work the spotting happened again. Again, I went home but talked to my doctor and went in that day.  It was difficult but I had courage because I had gone through this before. Something inside me knew it wasn’t safe spotting, I just knew. I tried to stay positive and Kyle was so good to me! He was actually just getting onto days off so he was able to be with me. It was a Monday so I had an appointment scheduled for Thursday and he was with me the whole time. It really gave us a chance to be at peace with whatever was to happen. By the end of the week though, we knew it was progressing and the doctor confirmed what we already knew. I was miscarrying. I cried on the way home, but Kyle was so encouraging, he must have got some graces or something because he just told me how much he loved me and how happy he was that I was his wife and it was really what I needed to hear, because part of me was feeling really inadequate as a wife, woman, and mother. It was hard feeling like your body wasn’t able to do what you think it should do, like stay pregnant. 

I will now share in a bit more detail what the miscarriage was like for me. It was definitely a roller coaster after that day. By the next morning I was woken up early with bad cramps and the miscarriage process was underway. I wanted to do it at home and really didn’t want to go to the hospital for a D&C so I did a bit of research and found a few things about having a natural miscarriage at home, including a detailed story of someone who miscarried at the same stage. Basically though, my body was doing what it needed to do, and now after having a full term baby, I know that it was real labour.

It was a really eye opening process seeing just how much had already grown within me (by this stage they say your uterus is around the size of a grapefruit). The main thing that happened was that I would start having pains and cramps, so I would use a hot water bottle or get in the bath to help with pain and when it would get really bad I would have the urge to go to the toilet and pass whatever was ready to pass and the pain would subside until the next contractions worked more out. (Just how labour is when you’re having a baby the contractions do the work of moving things out). This may be too graphic for some but just so you know if it happens to you, what was coming out was blood, clots, and pieces of my thickened uterine lining in varied sizes. Sometimes I would throw up from the pain of passing bigger pieces (spoiler alert to my future self I also threw up many, many times during labour with Leander). I also wondered how big the baby was or if we would see it pass, so I would catch some in a bowl to check to see if the baby was there so we could bury the baby, the rest I flushed.

Kyle had to work all day the next day, so my Mom came to stay with me. The cramps subsided after a while and for most of the afternoon and evening I felt pretty good. I felt positive and was happy to spend time with Kyle. We did a puzzle. My mom got there and we all went to bed.

The same thing happened the next morning I was woken up with cramping and had to keep going to the bathroom to let things progress. The pain and cramps were getting a bit worse and after I ate breakfast I began to feel very nauseous and was having bad cramps. I went on the toilet and had some very bad pain and ended up throwing up from passing some larger tissue. After that I went in a hot bath and it was very soothing, while things just kept on going. I could tell the worst was over though. I got out of the tub after about an hour and layed on the couch until I had another cramp. I went to the bathroom and passed something that was also substantial. I caught it in a bowl so I could examine it, and sure enough, at least to me in my limited knowledge of the inside workings of bodies, knew this had to be the baby. It was about the size of a small pickle (that’s all I could think of) I brought it out and carefully examined it. To me it seemed like it could be what was once the baby, however it didn’t look much like a baby because it had probably been passed away for a few weeks by this point. Although I would have been 12 weeks at the time I fully miscarried this little baby looked to be only about an inch or two long. Which according to my app measures at about 8-9 weeks,  so I knew it was a "Missed Miscarriage", where the baby stops developing but your body doesn’t start to pass it for a few weeks or until it is discovered by an ultrasound and has to be removed.

I felt so much peace after I passed the baby. I was worried that we had missed it or it had been too small, or that we had already flushed it. I placed it it in a small yellow ceramic dish with a lid and refrigerated it so that Kyle could see. My mom was such a huge help. She made me food and got me heat bags and hot water bottles and cleaned up after everything and just gave me so much love and care! I couldn’t have done it without her, especially becaue Kyle was working. I definitely don't recommend doing it alone. Also want to note that if you feel more comfortable doing it at the hospital, definitely go in. I got the go ahead to proceed at home from my doctor with the plan of heading to the hospital if it got bad or if I needed anything to induce or to help things along. I still had an ultrasound scheduled from before for the following week, so they checked things over at that appointment and it all looked good. I did end up passing a small piece of tissue about a week later, and had light bleeding similar to a period for about a week, but after the last small piece was gone it stopped. I was also keeping an awareness to watch for signs of infection but didn't end up having anything to be concerned about. They recommended waiting at least three months before trying to conceive which was alright with us, it takes time emotionally to get over things as well. Don't be afraid to mourn for as long as you need. 

This miscarriage took a bigger toll emotionally, but we were also given so much more graces and were able to handle it with such hope. The toughest part for me which I hesitate to mention because it was also one of my biggest joys and blessings, was that one day later my twin sister gave birth to her first daughter Anna. I can't explain how baby-less and empty I felt that day, but meeting Anna a week later healed a big hole in my heart and although the timing seems hard to understand, God knows what we need. We conceived our rainbow baby, Leander four months after the miscarriage and I went on a progesterone supplement, which you should definitely ask your doctor for if you've had reoccurring miscarriages. It brings a lot of hope and peace and although I can't say for sure if it's the reason Leander is with us, I know that I won't risk not taking it now, and have for both my pregnancies since the second miscarriage. I missed the babies, the joy of  being pregnant, the dreams and plans I had in my heart for them but I know they are so close to me in Heaven, and every time I receive the Eucharist. I also can't overlook the fact that because they are in Heaven I get to have Leander here with me, and he is the most wonderful consolation we could have ever imagined. It's hard to see that far ahead when you're going through it, but try not to lose hope in God's great, but hard and confusing plan for your life. 

We buried the baby at my parents acreage because we were in a temporary living situation. My parents have since moved and we brought the baby back here and plan to do a Mary garden to give a beautiful place to rest.