Blessings

Yesterday I attended a wedding. It was truly a witness to love, faith, and openness to life. There were children there, all ages, as well as people of all different abilities, even included in the wedding party. There was no hiding this couples unbiased love for all people. It was truly edifying to be there.

A friend of mine was there with her eight day old baby boy, the third brother in their little family. After Mass I turned around and congratulated them because for some reason I missed the announcement on Facebook, what a beautiful surprise it was! She immediately held out her tiny, sleeping boy to me. I took him and held him close, he was so fresh and little and I just wanted to soak him up! That sounds a little bit much but honestly, he was delicious. I said that out loud, so hopefully they didn't think it was weird.

There were lots of children and babies at the reception as well. I was solo with Leander so I spent a lot of time chasing him around. There were other people doing the same and I saw this radiantly beautiful woman who was pregnant, she also had a little girl and a little boy both under 3 and the words welled up within me (I didn't say these out loud), "You're SO lucky!"

It was such a pure and joy inspired thought, I didn't feel jealous or anything like that, although I strongly desire to be pregnant and have another baby, I just felt such awe at the beauty of babies and children. Of course I want more, I want lots! I just don't know when it will happen, and sometimes I feel patient, but lately it makes me feel like crying, just because babies are such a gift. It's hard sometimes because the very same thing that blesses you can break your heart. It was such a blessing to see all the babies and hold them.

There is a scene in the movie Wonder Woman where she sees a baby for the first time in her life, and immediately runs towards the baby and mother exclaiming, "Oh! A baby!" out of pure delight at the sight of the little crying baby in it's mothers arms. That's how our society should really treat each and every child! I am afraid for our world when we hear about stories like Charlie Gards'.

Now to touch on the beautiful boy who is my miracle. We had so much fun yesterday. He is at the age where he can play and keep himself occupied (as long as I supply some activities), and he is so funny. He was dancing up a storm with his best friend William and running around with all the kids and trying to copy kids who were older than him. He swiped a plate with cake on it off the dessert table and I see him walking towards me with both hands holding the plate as he leans down and takes bites out of it.

He blesses me. He makes me whole, I will always, always have him and I am so grateful God gave him to us. I'm not always patient with him, and trust me I don't always act very blessed, but I am trying to be better all the time and enjoy him at every stage! Someone asked me yesterday if I remember what it was like when he was that small, and honestly it's hard! It feels like such a long time ago and I honestly thought I would have another baby by now! He will be two in a week, the perfect age gap right? I now know that God's perfect family looks different than we imagine.

I'm sure some of my friends didn't imagine having three or four babies in just as many years, or my sister and brother in law who struggled with infertility for the first six years of their marriage, miscarriage after miscarriage and are now having twins and will have five kids, 6 and under. That's hard too. Or Kyle's mom who had his two older brothers and didn't end up having Kyle for another five years, followed by the three girls. Every story is so, so different.

Not sure where I was going with this exactly, but wanted to share what a blessing babies are. You all know that already, right? I know it's hard no matter how many kids you have or don't have. I would never walk around and tell someone not to share their struggles with having babies close together just because I wish I did. I am so not for comparing crosses! I don't want people to feel sad for me, but I would love for them to pray for me to Our Lady of Good Success and pray that God makes good out of the desires of my heart. Like I said, I think we all have a hard and beautiful story and I know God has a freaking good one in mind for me, and you know what? Yours freaking rocks too! Just wait on the Lord. It's coming.

My sweet boy.

Two years later.