Another One

 I was in the kitchen preparing dinner when I look over and see this little guy sitting on the couch reading "doh doh doh" (Go Dog Go) all by himself, even saying some of the words on the pages. The lighting was perfect, one of those rare moments where you don't even really have to edit it before posting. When I actually posted it on Instagram a few thoughts came tumbling out that have been heavy on my heart lately and I think are worth talking about. 

Here is what I ended up posting: 

"I can't even handle this kid sometimes (cry face emoji) (heart emoji) (broken heart emoji) sometimes when I think about how hard it is (for some) to get pregnant, I think of this beautiful gift I have, that I got to carry and he is here and I'm just so, so grateful even if he is the only one I get here! It takes away some of the stress of when the next one might come. Praying for all those wanting to add to their families right now! Didn't mean to get so real in this post but I hope it encourages someone who might want another baby but God has his own timing. Love you all!!"

It had been building up in me for a while, the want to share about how I have been struggling. It has been a time of grace for sure, but not without it's heart ache! I don't think a lot of people know how to talk about it but I will try to! 

The truth is I thought getting pregnant when you get married was a given. I now know that more people than we probably know about have hidden struggles; miscarriages and/or trouble getting pregnant, or not getting pregnant at all. Even "secondary" infertility where people have one or two kids but desire more and aren't able to. I don't want to go so far as to say I am struggling with infertility because I don't technically meet the criteria, but I do carry the cross of having the desire for another baby and waiting month after month with nothing. 

And yet I can't help but to find God's grace in it all. I do feel very grateful for where I am at. I have my days of feeling sad, but many more happy days. This stage in life for my family really is wonderful. Pregnancy and adding another child will definitely raise challenges (that I will most likely complain about... I am still human). I also feel grateful to be able to be where I am, with my experience, to be able to share in solidarity with others struggling with similar things and to give perspective to those who don't share this cross (or have yet to) but who have hardships in other ways. 

I am not blind to the fact that it would be just as hard to struggle to avoid having multiple pregnancies close together. It almost seems as if the world is saying either, "Another one?!" or " When are you having another one?" God has created such a diverse experience for us all as a training ground for sainthood and it is so beautiful to witness! (It's beautiful, but I said training ground for a reason, it ain't easy!) 

A book (or person) that has really changed me and my eternal perspective is Chiara Corbella Petrillo 

I honestly feel so grateful to have met (through her biography) such a holy witness to God through suffering. The way her and her husband trusted in the Lord through the loss of two babies and a cancer diagnosis that she chose not to have treated fully while she was pregnant a third time to save the life of the child and ultimately sacrifice herself was incredible. That trust and the connection to God through all of this changed my perspective. I can now say I want what God wants.

 I feel as if I will have more children one way or another, but now it is on God's terms. While I was reading this book, I was in Mass one Sunday and praying about my conversion of heart and my desire to come closer to God and I could see Chiara in my mind smiling and beckoning to me, as if to say "Yes, give yourself fully to God, it is the only way." It was very hard to keep it together, but I didn't want anyone to see my crying in public! God has truly given us the saints to lead us closer to Him and what a gift they are! I felt like she was truly there beside me, as a close friend, encouraging me to give myself to God through this difficult time. So I will, and it is a daily decision that I don't always succeed at but I am really trying! 

To fill those in who don't know we have been trying to get pregnant for around 9 months now. I am working on being as healthy as I can and also working with my doctor and others who are there to support this type of a struggle, I'm also trying to be patient because I know in the grand scheme of things we have a lot of time! I thank everyone who is there for me and praying for our family. I really don't intend for this post to be dramatic or a way of comparing hardships, but to just "real talk" about a topic that isn't always comfortable but is a reality for many! I hope to share my miscarriage stories in the future to help break the silence on that as well. I will also share Leander's birth story because after all, he is the rainbow, my greatest blessing! 

Thanks for following along, and three posts in a row... I hope I'm not coming on too strong but after two years I think I have a lot to get out of my system and I truly hope it can add value to those who read it!