What We Can't Get Back

I was coming home from a birthday party with Leander, lately it's "Leander's turn" to do everything by himself, so we were slowly making our way up the front steps. He was holding onto a shiny, golden, star shaped balloon that he was given...because he wasn't leaving that party without one without causing a scene. He was holding the balloon, and I was also holding it so it wouldn't fly away, and he did not like that, so I took a chance and let go...right as he let go. I couldn't catch it, so we watched it fly up over our house and get stuck at the top of a tree. 

How in the world do you tell a heart broken two year old that you can't get the balloon back? 

I took him inside and held him while he cried for his balloon. He was overtired from not having napped, so I laid down with him and rubbed his back as he was repeating "boon" over and over as he fell asleep. 

God speaks to us clearly sometimes, and I knew today God was showing me a small glimpse into His own heart. This month of October I have been thinking about miscarriage a lot because it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and I have felt called to share a little bit more but have been putting it off, so anyways this post is a start. What does this have to do with a balloon though?

As silly as it may sound, my heart felt broken for my boy in the moments after he lost the balloon. There was no way to explain to his two year old mind that sometimes we lose things and we can't get them back, to him there was no way he would understand why the balloon couldn't come back, or why I, his mom, who does everything for him, couldn't get it back for him either. All I could do was hug him and comfort him while he cried. 

The first thoughts that came to me were fear...if he's two, and this is just a lost balloon, how is my mama heart going to handle it when he breaks a leg, or doesn't make the team, or gets bullied at school? What about when he gets his heart broken for the first time, or loses a friend, or when Jett eventually gets old and dies? Then my thoughts shifted back to my own greatest loss, as I said, my miscarriages have been on my mind. I knew in this moment that God's heart breaks when ours do.

Yes, He knew I would lose two babies, and He allowed it to happen. His plans are greater than ours...but He has no way to explain it to us, so all He can do is mourn with us and hope that we turn back to Him for comfort as we wade through the process of grief and healing. Loss is part of life, and sometimes we lose things we can't get back and we don't know why.

I don't really know how to conclude because... I still don't know all the reasons why we go through what we go through. One thing I know for sure is that in order for us to become who we are made to be, we have to suffer through loss. This can fill us with despair and fear, or it can fill us with joy and hope. It's hard to find that joy and hope in the midst of the pain, but if you look you'll find it, because although God can't tell us exactly why, He did tell us that it all works together for good if we love Him. 

If you lost something you can't get back, and you don't know why, I'm sorry. It sucks. Even if you can't see the good yet don't lose hope. God also said that he won't cause pain without causing something new to be born. Keep waiting for the new and the good, it will show up, He promises. 




This picture is from summer...this balloon met its tragic fate in the same way.


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